#136 | The Validation Ladder: 8 Steps To Seeing And Being Seen (Part 2)
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Hello curious minds 🧠
Last week, we started climbing the Validation Ladder, a set of 8 skills that help us validate others. The idea is from the book Validation by Caroline Fleck.
Together, the skills in the Validation Ladder form the acronym ACCEPTED.
Each letter stands for a skill. Together, they climb what Caroline Fleck calls the Validation Ladder, broken into three stages: Mindfulness, Understanding, and Empathy.
We’ve already explored the first stage, Mindfulness, and its two skills: Attend and Copy.
This week, we will finish the ladder by looking at the skills in the Understanding and Empathy stages.
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🧠 The Validation Ladder - Understanding and Empathy
Together, the skills in the Validation Ladder form the acronym ACCEPTED.
Each letter stands for a skill. Together, they climb what Caroline Fleck calls the Validation Ladder, broken into three stages: Mindfulness, Understanding, and Empathy.
Stage 1: Mindfulness
Last week, we explored the first stage of the Validation Ladder: Mindfulness, talking about the skills Attend and Copy. If you have missed it, check it out in the newsletter link below.
Stage 2: Understanding
C — Contextualise
Contextualise means acknowledging that a person’s reaction makes sense in some context, whether that is their situation, history, internal experience, etc.
Contextualise is about “given x, y makes sense”.
The goal is to find out what x is and draw the connection between x and y.
Contextualise helps the other person feel seen. They don’t suck. They are reacting to something valid.
The tough part here (and in validation) is to put aside our own biases and judgment that could cloud our ability to understand (and therefore empathise).
In order to validate a behaviour that doesn’t make sense, you must find the context in which it does. To do so, there are three contexts you can look into:
The past - associations during childhood, trauma, experience etc. A very powerful quote here is “I see how the world has shaped you, and I don’t judge you for it.”
Misinformation - the greatest source of invalid behaviour / thought is misinformation. You need to be able to draw the connection between the misinformation as ultimately that is what drive their invalid actions. The tough part here is to refrain from judging the person who was been misled.
Disorder - sometimes, biology plays a role.
E — Equalise
To equalise is to say: Anyone in your shoes might feel the same.
It normalises their response and places it in a broader human context.
There are two ways to do this:
Compare to others – “Most people would react like this.”
The golden rule – imagine yourself in their situation: Would you react the same way?
The second method is more personal and more powerful.
To go the extra mile, add an extra message along the lines of “and you are handling it better than most”.
P — Propose
Proposing is about stating what you think the other person is thinking, feeling, or wanting to do beyond what they have said and what you know about the situation.
It’s the “reading between the lines” skill.
To read minds, you have to take some risk here. But when done right, it’s validating.
How to do it well:
Start with curiosity - use Attend skill and play the A Game (ask open questions, observe carefully).
Form hypotheses - based on what you see and hear, make an educated guess.
Test gently - phrase your proposal as a suggestion, not a fact:
“I wonder if part of you feels like…”
“Could it be that...?”
If your guess is wrong or poorly received? Drop back to Mindfulness skills and try again.
Stage 3: Empathy
T — Take Action
Taking action means directly stepping in to help. Not just listening or understanding, but doing something on their behalf.
The main thing to consider before Taking Action is whether the person actually needs or wants you to step it.
Here are three questions to ask yourself before you act:
Does this person have the resources required to take whatever action is needed?
Would I be doing something they need to learn to do for themselves? If so, are they capable of developing the necessary skills?
Does the action conflict with my values?
ONLY consider taking action if you answer no to ALL three questions.
The risk of taking action when someone hasn’t asked you to is that you might make the situation worse. A simple way to offset this risk is by asking before you act.
E — Emote
To emote is to let your own feelings show in response to someone’s story.
It’s the “how to get real” skill.
Non-verbal - let emotion show on your face or body. Use when words aren’t appropriate (e.g. at a funeral).
Labelling - explicitly saying your emotion. Stick to emotion adjectives and remember to support the other person rather than drawing attention away from them
Implying - stating thoughts that imply emotions
Whether to label or imply depends on how direct you want to be and what you believe is the preferred language of the person you are validating.
D — Disclose
Disclosing means sharing your own related experience to show empathy.
It’s how you say “me too”.
It doesn’t have to be deep or dramatic. Even light personal stories can validate powerfully, especially when:
You help reduce shame by showing they’re not alone.
You surprise them by showing you do understand.
One important takeaway here is to remember not to make disclosing about you and lose focus on the other person.
Psychologists are told to return the conversation to the client immediately after making a Disclosure
Here’s the full ACCEPTED validation ladder:
Attend
Copy
Contextualise
Equalise
Propose
Take Action
Emote
Disclose
Each skill builds your ability to make others feel seen, understood, and supported. One step at a time.
Mindfulness (I am here) → Understanding (I get it) → Empathy (I care)
I am always curious about what others are passionate about and what they are currently working on. Hit reply and share what’s been keeping you busy these days. I would love to learn!
With love,
Ryan O. 🎮
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