#135 | The Validation Ladder: 8 Steps To Seeing And Being Seen (Part 1)

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Hello curious minds 🧠

It has been a while since I picked up a book on relationships, so when Validation by Caroline Fleck came out in 2025, I knew I had to read it.

I thought I was already pretty good at validation.

I couldn’t be more wrong.

We all heard of active listening and mirroring. Those are powerful indeed but those alone are not enough to validate someone.

Caroline Fleck breaks it down clearly. It defines what validation really is and introduces an eight-step process to get better at it.

So, what is validation?

Validation means bringing mindful awareness, understanding, and empathy to someone’s experience so they feel seen and accepted.

It starts with mindfulness: giving someone your full, judgment-free attention. From there, you move to understanding, recognising that their reaction has a logic (even if you don’t agree with it). That part is tricky. You have to stop focusing on what’s “wrong” and focus instead on what’s valid.

When you understand someone well enough, you connect with their emotions. That’s empathy. Empathy can mean attaching meaning to what they’re feeling or simply showing you care.

The book sums it up with a mantra:

Show that you are there, you get it, and you care.

Validation is a process. It builds in stages: mindfulness, then understanding, then empathy. Each stage has its own set of skills. The deeper you go, the harder it gets but the more powerful the impact.

In total, the process includes three stages (mindfulness, understanding, empathy) and eight skills: two for mindfulness, three for understanding, and three for empathy. Together, they form what the book calls the Validation Ladder.

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🧠 The Validation Ladder

Together, the skills in the Validation Ladder form the acronym ACCEPTED.

Each letter stands for a skill. Together, they climb what Caroline Fleck calls the Validation Ladder, broken into three stages: Mindfulness, Understanding, and Empathy.

This week, I am covering the Mindfulness stage since that’s as far as I’ve read. I’ll dive into the rest in next week’s newsletter.

Stage 1: Mindfulness

A — Attend

Attending means showing up. Fully. Physically, emotionally, and mentally. And doing it without judgment.

Here’s an important takeaway: Paying attention isn’t the same as showing you’re paying attention.

To truly attend to someone, you need to make it visible. That means:

• Non-verbal cues (the “Big Four”):

  • Eye contact

  • Proximity (lean in, stand close)

  • Gestures

  • Nods

• Listening with intent. Try playing “The A Game”, a mental exercise where you ask:

  1. What’s a better way to make this person’s point?

  2. Why does it matter to them?

• Questions and comments that show you care. Ask things that show real interest. Don’t interrogate. Connect.

The best questions don’t shift attention back to you. They shine it brighter on the other person.

C — Copy

Copying means subtly mirroring the other person’s words, behaviours, or emotions. It helps them feel heard without you saying much.

You can:

• Repeat their words

• Echo their body language

• Put words to their feelings / experiences

It’s simple, but powerful. And you can combine it with Attending for even stronger validation.

Stage 2: Understanding

3. Contextualise

4. Equalise

5. Propose

Stage 3: Empathy

6. Take Action

7. Emote

8. Disclose

I’ll explore the next stages Understanding and Empathy in my next post.

Until then, remember:
Be there. Get it. Show you care.

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With love,

Ryan O. 🎮

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