#111 | Don't Fight When You Are Getting Flooded 🌊
A collection of the best hidden gems, mental models, and frameworks from the world’s top thinkers; to help you become 1% better and live a happier life ❤️
Hello curious minds 🧠
Ever found yourself in the heat of the moment?
You know, those times when you do or say things you later wish you hadn't? Yeah, we've all been there. When we're angry, we're not thinking clearly. But we continue to fight. We want to address the issue right away instead of letting it grow…
But this is the common mistake: to fight when you are getting flooded.
According to Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict into Connection, sleeping on things might actually be the better move. See, when we're overwhelmed, we're flooded with emotions, and that's not the best state for resolving conflicts. We're in fight or flight mode, and our minds aren't clear enough to regulate emotions and process information.
So, what are the signs of being flooded?
Flooding can feel like out of breath, heart racing, thoughts all over the place, you name it. And it can lead to behaviours like lashing out or shutting down.
So, what do we do when we're flooded?
Simple: take a break. But here's the catch – most of us don't know how to do it properly. Here's how according to the book:
Tell your partner — sounds obvious but most people miss this step. Let them know you are overwhelmed and need a break; agree on a time to reconnect.
Take at least 20 minutes to cool down — that’s the minimum amount of time your body needs to process the stress hormone.
Don’t let it drag on for more than 24 hours — aim to reconnect within a day, even if you need more time. Just tell your partner you need more time. Never ignore the issue and move on.
Find ways to soothe yourself — Whether it's meditating, playing sports, or writing, do something that calms you down. The goal is to distract yourself from the fight and get back to a calm state.
Always reconnect at the time you both have agreed to — even if it’s to request more time. Breaks are a good thing!
Now, once you've cooled down and reconnected, what's next? Well, the common mistake is to try and solve the problem… Instead, we should be focusing on fixing the moment.
Let's explore this further! ❤️
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Hi, I’m Ryan 👋🏼 I am passionate about lifestyle gamification 🎮 and I am obsesssssssss with learning things that can help me live a happy and fulfilling life.And so, with The Limitless Playbook newsletter, I will share with you 1 actionable idea from the world's top thinkers every Sunday 🎯
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🚀 Reframing the goal of conflict resolution
69% of conflicts are perpetual.
Many people believe that the aim of conflict resolution is to find the perfect solution… this is simply not true.
We need to reframe the goal of conflict resolution.
When it comes to resolving conflicts, the real goal is to turn the conversation about the conflict into a positive one.
How? Well, here are three important things to remember:
Talk about yourself and your needs — instead of pointing fingers at your partner’s mistakes, talk about how you feel and what you need. Focus only on describing your own experiences and situation.
Take breaks when you are getting flooded — this is important and you can refer back to the “Take a Break” section above.
Make repairs — keep in mind the magic ratio of five positive interactions for every one negative interaction. The goal is to fill your conflict conversation with lots of small repairs and positivity. Here are some ideas from the book:
Show affection
Express appreciation
Validate your partner’s feelings
Loving touch
Apologise when needed
Share a smile
Use humour to lighten the mood
Show empathy
Ask open-ended questions to find out more about what your partner thinks and feels
By focusing on these steps, we can turn conflict conversations into opportunities to grow and better understanding our partners.
📚 This week, I finished reading…
3 books in progress 🤓
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Ryan O. 🎮
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