#110 | How to process past fights in relationships
A collection of the best hidden gems, mental models, and frameworks from the world’s top thinkers; to help you become 1% better and live a happier life ❤️
Hello curious minds 🧠
Here’s another lesson from the Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict into Connection. My goal is to review them deeply, understand them, and apply them to my own life.
The lesson I want to talk about today is how to deal with past fights in relationships.
The moments of conflict and being out of sync are ultimately opportunities in every relationship:
To know our partner better over time.
— Fight Right
You see, conflicts are bound to happen in any relationship. It's normal. But here's the thing: it's not the fights themselves that are the problem.
The real issue is that we often don't take the time to look back and understand why those fights happened in the first place. Instead, we just brush them aside and move forward.
Sound familiar? It definitely does to me.
The key is to actually address these past fights. By doing so, we can learn from them and be better prepared for similar situations in the future.
It's important to note that the goal isn't necessarily to solve every fight. 69% of fights are perpetual. What really matters is gaining a deeper understanding of why these fights happen.
So, let's figure out how we can successfully learn from our past fights ❤️
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Hi, I’m Ryan 👋🏼 I am passionate about lifestyle gamification 🎮 and I am obsesssssssss with learning things that can help me live a happy and fulfilling life.And so, with The Limitless Playbook newsletter, I will share with you 1 actionable idea from the world's top thinkers every Sunday 🎯
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🎭 Process Past Fights
🧘🏻 Step 0: Before You Begin
Make sure to give it some time and space before analysing a fight.
Make sure you are in a calm state.
Remember that your reality is valid (and so it’s your partner’s).
Remember to focus on yourself and only talk about yourself. Share your feelings. This is crucial. To focus on only describing your side of the reality.
🥰 Step 1: Feelings
Share how you felt during the fight but don't get into the reasons just yet. List out all the feelings you had during the fight. As many as apply.
You can use an emotion wheel as a starting point. It’s often easier to pinpoint your feelings than to recall them. Plus, an emotion wheel can help you identify even more specific emotions that could give you better insight into the fight.
💭 Step 2: Realities
Take turns to describe your reality of what happened during the fight. Remember, only talk about your own feelings and experiences. Focus on your side of the equation without trying to interpret what your partner meant. Avoid blaming or accusing. Give an objective moment-by-moment description and talk about what you might have needed from your partner.
Summarise your partner’s reality and make sure to VALIDATE their feelings. You might say something like “I see why this upset you”. Remember that validation doesn’t mean you agree but that you understand (at least a part of) where they are coming from.
Check in with each other. Do both of you feel understood? If yes, move on to the next step. If not, repeat step 1 and 2 until both of you feel heard. Ask questions like “What else do I need to know to understand your perspective better?” or “Is there anything else you want to share?”
😤 Step 3: Triggers
Think about something from your past that made you feel similar to how you're feeling during the fight.
Share what escalated the interaction for you. What part of the argument really got to you?
Find past events where you felt the same way. Share that event with your partner so that they can understand why you react the way you do.
Keep sharing more stories that relate to your feelings. These stories could be from past relationships, childhood, or other experiences.
When your partner shares their stories, make sure to validate them if any part of what they say makes sense to you.
🙋🏻♂️ Step 4: Take Responsibility
What happened during the fight that set you up for miscommunication? What was your state of mind?
Maybe you weren't really listening or you were feeling distant emotionally?
Perhaps you were stressed, hungry, or tired?
These things can mess with our ability to handle arguments well.
Make a specific apology to what you regret saying or doing. Be specific about what you regret saying or doing. For example, “I am sorry that I overreacted when I…”. If you accept your partner’s apology, let them know! If not, say what you still need.
📝 Step 5: Constructive Plans
Each of you will take turn to share two things:
What's one thing your partner can do differently to avoid a similar fight in the future?
What's one thing YOU can do differently to improve things next time?
Try to be open to the suggestions your partner makes for improvement.
📚 This week, I finished reading…
3 books in progress 🤓
Have interesting gems you want to share with me and others? Share it by replying to this email and I will include it in the next gift box :)
With love,
Ryan O. 🎮
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