#105 | The Bagel Method in Relationships 🥯
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Hello curious minds 🧠
I recently finished the book Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict into Connection and oh my days, I love every chapter of it!
There were many repeating concepts but this time, it was applied in the context of conflicts in relationships. As usual with the Gottman’s books, I highlighted the hell out of the entire book 😄
One of the cool exercises in the book was called The Bagel Method.
The Bagel Method is designed to help partners be on the same team when dealing with differences and trying to find a compromise.
The idea behind the method is that, to truly compromise, we need to figure out a way to include both partners’ dreams and core needs; things that are super important to us that giving up on them is too much.
Let’s dive into the bagel 😜
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🥯 The Bagel Method
The Bagel Method involves mapping out your core needs and areas of flexibility so that you and your partner understand what's important and where there's room for flexibility.
It’s called The Bagel Method because, just like a bagel, it has both the inner and outer circles representing your needs.
Here are the steps:
In the inner circle, list all the aspects of an issue that you can’t give in on.
These are your non-negotiables that are usually very closely related to your core needs and dreams.
In the outer circle, list all the aspects of an issue that you are able to compromise on IF you are able to have what’s in your inner circle.
Now, talk to your partners about your inner and outer circle. Ask each other:
Why are the things in your inner circle so important to you?
How can I support your core needs here?
Tell me more about your areas of flexibility. What does it look like to be flexible?
Compare both your “bagel” of needs
What do we agree on?
What feelings do we have in common?
What shared goals do we have?
How might we accomplish these goals together?
Finalise the compromise (even if it’s a temporary one that needs to be reevaluate later)
Fill in the sentence → A compromise that honors both our needs and dreams is…
Flexibility is key when you can manage it. If all you do is say “No” to your partner, then it can make it difficult for your partner to feel safe and want to collaborate with you. Remember, compromise isn’t about perfection. Everyone gains and lose something.
The important thing is to feel heard and work with your partner as a team.
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Ryan O. 🎮
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