#103 | The Top Ten Myths About Conflict by Relationship Experts Julie and John Gottman
A collection of the best hidden gems, mental models, and frameworks from the world’s top thinkers; to help you become 1% better and live a happier life ❤️
Hello curious minds 🧠
Curious about how happy couples navigate conflicts?
In Julie and John Gottman’s latest book, Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict into Connection, they debunk the top 10 myths surrounding conflict and offer fresh perspectives on how we should approach disagreements.
Let’s dive into it 🚀
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📝 The Top Ten Myths About Conflict
Myth #1: Once we find a solution to the big fight, we will be all set and have no more fighting.
69% of conflicts in a relationship are perpetual.
And so we need to learn to approach conflict at a fundamental level and not how to solve one particular fight.
Myth #2: If conflict exists in our relationship, we are not meant to be together.
Conflict is unavoidable.
The happiest couples still have conflict. The difference is that they learn how to fight right.
Myth #3: A conflict is a problem to be solved.
Let’s repeat the stats → 69% of conflicts are perpetual.
And so we manage most conflicts through continuing dialogue and not resolving them completely.
Myth #4: One of us is right, and one of us is wrong.
Both partners’ are right.
What matters most is how we each see things, how we feel, our needs, and if we can hear and valid each other’s realities.
Myth #5: Men are more logical than women; women are more emotional than men.
Logic and emotion do not have genders.
Men have emotions and need to express them, and women need to be listened to when they describe their reality.
Myth #6: The best conflict management is logical, rational, and unemotional.
Emotions and logical thinking are interconnected in problem-solving.
The best conflict management is one where we understand each other through listening to each other’s feelings and ideas.
Myth #7: Negative emotions are bad and should be avoided.
There’s nothing wrong with negative emotions.
What really matters is how we express those negative emotions.
Myth #8: Nobody can hurt you unless you let them.
The good thing about this myth is that we believe our emotions can be controlled and changed → full accountability.
The downside is that we relieved of any responsibility toward our partner. This means that if you say something that hurts your partner, it’s their problem, not yours!
But this is not how it works.
In reality, we can and do hurt each other. What matters is that we process what happened and repair it.
Myth #9: You have to love yourself before you can have somebody else.
If we had to be perfectly love ourselves before entering into a relationship, most of us wouldn’t have relationships.
We all have vulnerabilities, triggers, and traumas that are not fully heal and still be in a lifelong loving relationship. Our role as life partners is to care for them and provide a safe space for them to work through their vulnerabilities.
To love our partners, even when they can’t love themselves.
Myth #10: To be “allowed” to have needs, we have to justify or explain them.
You don’t need to justify your needs.
Your responsibility is to communicate them clearly to your partner. One of the main reasons for conflict is that we don’t communicate our needs and instead expect our partners to know them.
📚 This week, I finished reading…
2 books in progress 👀
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With love,
Ryan O. 🎮
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